I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Clients after you give them your rates
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
FRED: right