I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi