“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
getting corrected
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes