Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Thanks to a fan for this one.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
#CatsOnTwitter
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”