Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Science memes
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!