Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?