What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit