You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.