what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
According to math, I’m broke
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon