Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
You Might Also Like
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
This sounds bad:
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“i am a sweet baby”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.