No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Can’t stop laughing
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.