Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.