(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.