The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.