In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*