Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
i wish we could shoplift online
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.