Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
umm…
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
just pretend nothing happened
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
how to have an accident 101
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”