Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old