Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit