Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.