If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
The Backseat Boys
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security