🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!