Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
You Might Also Like
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.