He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.