There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.