My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?