if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Meow?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok