imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
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Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
That’s enough internet for the day
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem