If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.