12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert