Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?