Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself