Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.