Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
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Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”