[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
#dnd #ttrpg
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
all bases covered
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome