Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The 6 types of sex
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.