Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*