“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
This is my emotional support knife.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
why I oughta
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.