[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now