3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
step 6: release the wall snake
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Barbie gone wild
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”