Best spoiler warning ever
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Feels
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies