‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
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I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Twitter is an abusement park.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.