You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Breaking news:
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan