Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
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I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit