Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is