Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m too immature for adultery.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I put the h in mysterious.