Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
i’m sure it’s fine
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.