Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me trying to “trust the process”
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving