I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Yes my dude
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.