I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
what’s more important?
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out